


The Cult of Saoirse Ronan

by Baz



Category: Bridesmaids (2011), Brooklyn (2015), Easy A (2010), Ellen Degeneres Show RPF, Ghostbusters (2016), La La Land (2016), Lady Bird (2017), Phil of the Future, Room - Emma Donoghue, Saturday Night Live RPF
Genre: Comedy, F/F, Screenplay/Script Format, Thriller
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 01:18:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13156119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baz/pseuds/Baz
Summary: A fake movie trailer.We all know Saoirse Ronan is obsessed with Kristen Wiig. But what if she kept stalking her? And there are a few more twists and turns in the tale.





	The Cult of Saoirse Ronan

THE CULT OF SAOIRSE RONAN

 

FADE IN:

 

INT. ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW

 

Ellen is talking to the audience.

 

ELLEN  
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, the beautiful, talented and very Irish Saoirse Ronan!

 

Saoirse comes out and waves to the applauding audience. She sits down beside Ellen.

 

ELLEN  
Saoirse, you have many fans all over the world, how do you do it?

 

Saoirse has an evil look on her face.

 

SAOIRSE

I have my secrets.

 

INT. SAOIRSE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

Saoirse is on the sofa watching “Bridesmaids” on TV with admiration. She watching a scene with Kristen Wiig in it.

 

ELLEN (V.O.)

I understand that you have a huge obsession with Kristen Wiig,

 

SAOIRSE (V.O.)  
Do I ever!

 

We hear the studio audience laugh.

 

INT. ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW

 

ELLEN

Well, Saoirse, we have a surprise for you!

 

SAOIRSE  
Oh God!

 

She is delighted.

 

ELLEN  
PLease welcome, Soarise’s idol, Kristen Wiig!

 

Kristen comes out and the audience cheers like crazy. Kristen then makes her way over to an emotional Saoirse. She is in tears of joy, they both hug.

 

SAOIRSE  
Oh my God, I love you so much!

 

KRISTEN  
Thank you. God, you hug very tightly!

 

INT. BACKSTAGE

 

Kristen and Saoirse are talking.

 

SAOIRSE  
We should do something together.

 

KRISTEN  
Yeah, we should. Nice meeting’ ya!

 

SAOIRSE  
Pleasure was all mine.

 

EXT. STREET- DAY

 

Kristen is walking down the street. She stops and looks across. She sees Saoirse looking at her.

 

KRISTEN (V.O.)

It’s sounds weird, but ever since I met Saoirse, she seems to be following me wherever I go.

 

INT. CAFE

 

Kristen is at a cafe drinking a cup of coffee. She sees Saoirse at another table looking at her.

 

INT. KRISTEN’S DINING ROOM- EVENING

 

Kristen is eating her dinner. She looks out of the window and sees Saoirse standing outside looking at her.

 

INT. REHEARSAL ROOM- MORNING

 

Kristen is talking to Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones.

 

KRISTEN  
It’s like she’s stalking me.

 

KATE

You lucky bitch.

 

Kate and Leslie laugh, but Kristen just frowns.

 

KRISTEN  
Maybe I’m just going crazy.

 

INT. BATHROOM- MORNING

 

Kristen is in the shower naked. She has finished her shower and opens the door to get out. Saoirse appears to be standing there with a towel for Kristen.

 

SAOIRSE  
Good morning, Kristen.

 

Kristen yelps and covers herself.

 

SAOIRSE  
The door was opened so I thought I’d pop in to say hi.

 

KRISTEN  
Well, you’ve said ‘Hi’ now go away.

 

Kristen takes the towel and wraps it around herself.

 

INT. KRISTEN’S DINING HALL- NIGHT

 

Kristen arrives home to see Saoirse has made a fancy dinner.

 

SAOIRSE

Hello, Kristen. I have made dinner.

 

KRISTEN (V.O.)

What the Hell is going on?

 

INT. SUPERMARKET- DAY

 

Kristen is pushing a trolley around collecting food, to her dismay Saoirse is there. She walks up to Kristen.

 

SAOIRSE  
Hi babe.

 

Kristen is annoyed.

 

KRISTEN  
Saoirse, be honest. Are you stalking me?

 

SAOIRSE  
Maybe.

 

KRISTEN  
Look, you’re a nice girl, but I just want to be left alone. Please?

 

SAOIRSE  
Sure.

 

Kristen walks away.

 

Close on Saoirse's back. She has her fingers crossed.

 

INT. MELISSA McCARTHY’S SITTING ROOM - EVENING

 

A worried Kristen is talking to Melissa.

 

KRISTEN

I’m leaving, cos a crazy Irish girl wants to have sex with me or kill me. Perhaps both.

 

INT. KRISTEN’S ROOM- NIGHT

 

Kristen is packing her suitcase.

 

INT. MELISSA’S LIVING ROOM

 

Melissa is on the armchair reading a book, until the door flies open and Saoirse and Aly and AJ Michalka, dressed in green cult robes enter.

 

SAOIRSE

Where is Kristen?

 

MELISSA  
I don’t know!

 

Saoirse puts her hand on Melissa’s face.

 

Close on Saoirse's face. There is a green glow coming from her eyes and mouth.

 

Close on Melissa’s face. She screams as the same green glow comes out of her eyes and mouth.

 

EXT. HOUSE- NIGHT

 

We see a small house on a hill in the middle of nowhere.

 

Close on the window, Kristen is inside. She looks out and is horrified.

 

On top of the hill are 100 people dressed in the same green cult robes. Many of them are famous people like Kate, Leslie, Melissa, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Aly, AJ, Brie Larson, Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Schumer, Emma Stone, Ellen Degeneres, Bill Hader, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Will Ferrell, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Matt Damon, Margot Robbie, Cara Delevingne, Domhnall Gleeson and others. There are all under Saoirse's power. We hear a weird Latin like chant as they just stand there. They all stare at Kristen and begin to make their way toward the house.

 

KRISTEN  
Oh shit!

 

EXT. FIELD

 

Kristen tries to run away, but she surrounded by the cult. They all grab her.

 

INT. KITCHEN

 

The cult hold Kristen down on a table and Saoirse just stands there with an evil look on her face.

 

SAOIRSE  
You see Kristen, you and I are destined to be together.

 

Saoirse then kisses Kristen, and a green glow comes out of Kristen’s eyes and mouth. She is now under Saoirse's power.

 

Kristen gets off the table and stands. The cult pull the green robes over her.

 

MELISSA

Congratulations, you are one of us.

 

 

 

The chant continues are they bring Kristen out of the house.

 

EXT. CLIFF

 

VOICE OVER

This St Patrick's Day, Saoirse Ronan invites you to join the cult.

 

Saoirse is standing on top of the cliff and all of the celebs and followers look up at her like she’s the Messiah.

 

TITLE: THE CULT OF SAOIRSE RONAN

 

The title is in a Celtic design.

 

SAOIRSE  
Well done, my children. The job is done!

 

The cult cheer.

 

SAOIRSE

And now this ship will take us to Skellig Island, where Star Wars: The Force Awakens was filmed.

 

We see a spaceship shaped like a four leaved clover behind Saoirse.

 

SAOIRSE

Has anybody got any questions?

 

MARGOT  
What about electricity?

 

SAOIRSE

Shit! I forgot about that. No matter. We can brainwash electricians to put electricity there for us!

 

The cult cheer.

 

EXT. SPACESHIP

 

The entire cult gets on aboard. The last ones are Saoirse and Kristen Wiig.

 

KRISTEN

Now that we are a couple, Sersh, one question: Who is the man?

 

SAOIRSE  
We’ll take turns. I have a strap on.

 

They hold hands as they enter the ship. The door closes and the ship lifts off the ground.

 

Warwick Davis’ Leprechaun arrives on the cliff.

 

LEPRECHAUN

No, Saoirse! Don’t leave! Take me with you!

 

But the ship rises higher and higher and then, in the speed of light, zooms off into the sky.

 

LEPRECHAUN

For fuck’s sake. Not again!

 

BLACK SCREEN

 

In white letters, we see credits:

 

Based on an idea by SAOIRSE RONAN

 

Written by KRISTEN WIIG and PAUL FEIG

 

Directed by PAUL FEIG

 

THE END

  


 

 


End file.
